A Dream

Here I ride along the blurred line
Of insanity, sanity, and foolproof mediocrity
A display of smoke and mirrors
Prevents me from finding the finish line.
I'm too numb to remember the feeling
Of a good day in the sun
And the heroin as it infiltrated my veins
The insanity that infiltrated my airways
As I breathed it in like an addict
Who was down to my final days.
How long will I do time
In this prison of a life?
They chastise me for being honest,
When they hide behind their pride
It's all that I can do 
To stay stable, as I ride the blurred line
Of insanity, sanity, and foolproof mediocrity.

Chill of September

The winter winds will be much colder, I'm sure

But I feel strained as the shackles dance along my limbs.

They constrict the blood flow behind my tattered jeans.

I feel the chill of September before its time

I feel a life lived and died,

A life cut short, long before its prime
That life- it's mine.

Hinges

Your love is an open door

The wind is weary,

But You’re still waiting for me beyond these hinges

Your love is abundant, so much more

Than what I’ve dared to ask You for

I’ve been worn down to nothing

Sanded and chipped beyond repair

I’m weathered and weary

Locked and loaded by the hands of time

I’m a shallow shell of a hollow vessel

Obliterated in plain sight

Black onyx covers my bright interior

But You’re still waiting for me beyond these hinges

Oh, and By the Way...

I have an astrologist/psychic, who has recently sent me an email telling me that I am about to enter a time frame in my life of ginormous change and possibilities.  My love life will even out, the problems dogging me from my past will be resolved, and I will win a large sum of money in the lottery or another type of game.  Admittedly I'm a skeptic.  Even still...

I mean, $30.00 is worth the possibility of 32 mill, right?  ...Right?

I'm doing it!

Because I Could Not Stop for a Starry Night

"You are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God's place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things."
~Christopher McCandless

Can I just point out the fact that I'm happy?  I mean, honestly.  I'm happy with who I am and what I do, and I think that it's important to say it.  I'm proud of myself.  I'm in love with the person I've become.  I am finally surrounded with people who truly care.  My family kicks ass, and my friends are so much better than they've ever been.  Even without all of that, I'm excited about my future.  Hell, I'm excited about today.  I am beautiful on the outside, and more importantly, on the inside.  I am talented, and I have potential to be great.  Tomorrow is not only possible or probable, it's magnificent.  To feel happiness as its genuine authority in my life is NECESSARY. 

So many people, right at this moment, are miserable, and I think it's safe to say that at least 75% of those bastards are trying to bring perfectly innocent happies down with them.  Psch.  Try bringing me down, bitch, try.  I have bigger and better things.  They've always been there, but I'm finally realizing them.

So, write bitchy blogs about your ex friends, start drama with your neighbors, and drop bombs, world.  I'm here.  The happy person I've always wished I was has stepped through the doorway.  Your chins hit the floor.  Yes, be jealous.

Que the hallelujah chorus, because I have arrived. 

A Simple Seed (Bucket List)

“If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.” 

~Flavia Weedn

I've removed myself from the facets of the technological universe.  Facebook?  Deleted.  Aim?  Never used.  I, Amanda Lehman, the once social butterfly of a vessel more commonly referred to as 'the prom queen', have gone irrevocably mad and removed myself (for the most part, since I'm now returning to blogging) from cyberspace.  Maybe someone I once knew will find me, and if you have, I can guarantee you one thing- I am so far from the person that I once was, that reading my thoughts plastered randomly throughout this blog will be like staring into the window of a stranger's home.  So, peeping Toms, good luck with your transition.

Hm, what to write?  I don't know; I was thinking this morning about how much I crave adventure these days. Then I thought, why not make a bucket list?  I'm still not sure how the timing will go, whether I do a new thing daily, weekly, or monthly.  I need to start living life again.  My way of doing that is to create a list of things I've never done or want to do again, a set of goals that I'd like to accomplish for my own state of being.

So, here goes- a couple ideas that I have (randomly, off the top of my head)

-Adopt a Child

-Minor in Anthropology

-Travel to Latin America to do a Field Study (with my Anthropology degree)

-Go to NYC with Dustin (my best friend)

-Go to Church (It's literally been years)

-Study a Different Religion

-Get a tattoo

-Color my Hair Blonde (I'm a Natural Brunette)

-Shave My Head for Cancer Patients

-Road Trip to Florida to See David (best friend #2)

-Help a Stranger Find His Way In Life

-House a Homeless Person, or Maybe Run a Shelter

-Visit with Virginia, my Neighbor

-Interview John Trudell (Should Have Been #1)

-Plant a Garden

-Make a Political Statement

-Join a Club

-Read "One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest"

-Move Down South (Or at least vacation)

-Be a Drug and Alcohol Counselor

-Wear Brown Contacts

-Trace My Native American Ancestory

-Help My Father Forgive

-Buy Red Tulips for My Grandmother

-Sell Almost Everything I have

-Walk Anywhere within 4 Miles that I Need to Go for a Week, Rather than Drive

-Use Solar-Powered Electricity

-Adopt a Dog from the SPCA

-Engage in Modern Art (9x9 Canvas, Spray Paint, Rolled Up Jeans- all of it)

-Become a Caricature Artist

-Work in an Amusement Park!

-Swim with Sharks

-Fall in Reciprocated Love

-Make the News

-Work in a Coffeeshop in Hawaii

-Have a Self-Sustaining Home

-Marry Rich So I Have Time to Do All of this Stuff! (: ((Ha, just kidding- I like simplicity, and living with almost nothing.  Really, I do.))

Okay, that's all for today!! Will check in a bit later.

oxo,

Amanda.Rose